At least once a week, Facebook shows me a picture from years ago…a celebrated memory from my social media past. Most of the photos are of the kids. At first glance, I soak in all the joy from seeing tiny Josie baking cupcakes or little Mac running through the park. Then, I realize, almost every happy memory from Facebook, every ‘look at what a great mom I am’ moment was masking a much darker day.
Before Montclair Bread Company, I was working 60 hour weeks and traveling to two different cities between Monday and Friday, working with bakeries across the nation. I desperately wanted to get out of my marriage and away from the emotional abuse, but I felt stuck. I thought I couldn’t exist without him. That’s what he told me every chance he got. I couldn’t take care of the kids on my own. I couldn’t support myself. According to him, I was lazy and useless, a terrible mother. Then one day, I decided I would live like he didn’t exist. I would try to do it all on my own, without any help, just to see if I could. I wouldn’t let the kids be exposed to his yelling and cursing anymore. I would just pack them up and leave, let the emotions settle and come home just in time to put them to bed and start another day.
These seemingly happy memories are not happy memories at all. These are the times I pulled up my big girl pants and set out on my own to run away from it all. Every smile in these photos represents one of my darkest days. The kids were the reason I felt like I couldn’t leave but then they helped teach me that I could do it on my own after all.
Now that I am on my own (although not on my own at all because I have an incredible partner and an amazing community to support me) the Facebook memories are starting to pop up from more recent history of the REAL positive times. I’m only writing this to send a message to everyone out there comparing their lives to the remarkable lives of others on social media. There’s so much more to every story. What happened before or after the smiles? We don’t post the tears, the sorrow, and the self doubt for everyone to see, at least not as often as the ‘look at what a great mom I am,’ moments.
Weekly Training Log
Reality: TRX at Architect Studios - getting back in the swing of it. Asked my coach for a schedule adjustment to swap Friday & Monday so I can actually get to a class. Fridays at the bakery are nearly impossible coordinate with a scheduled class
Plan: BIKE 1:15 Endurance Ride
Plan: SWIM 2050 recovery
Reality: Completed as planned
Plan: RUN 1:00 on/off, 2:00 on/off, 3:00 on/off - x2
Reality: Completed as planned, even got a couple friends to join in the fun. Everything is easier with company. Also got another round of TRX in after the kids went to school.
Plan: SWIM 1800 long reps
Reality: Finally got to sleep past 3am and actually made it to the pool after the kids went to school.
Plan: RUN 1:15
Reality: Rainy, wet, solo run with a 5AM start. In my haste to finish, I managed to negative split 8+ miles finishing at my 10K pace. Immediately following the run, I had to pack up supplies to present a doughnut workshop at the NJ Wine & Food Festival. My doughnuts were paired with Chandon at the exclusive event. Not having any other options, I took Josie with me to be my assistant. She held her own in a banquet kitchen full of 40-50 year old chefs!
Plan: BRICK BIKE 1 hr, RUN 15 min
Reality: I thought my first back to back workout would be a lot more difficult than it proved to be. My 15 minute run turned into 2 miles because I couldn’t NOT finish the loop I started. Not a total disaster = winning!